A collection of favorite funny statistics math quotes and one-liners.

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"42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot." -- Steven Wright

"Five out of four people have trouble with fractions." -- Steven Wright

"Statistics means never having to say you're certain."

"How many pizzas are consumed each year in the United States? How many words have you spoken in your life? How many different peoples names appear in the New York Times each year? How many watermelons would fit inside the U.S. Capitol building? What is the volume of all the human blood in the world? -- John A. Paulos

“A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.”

"Statistics are no substitute for judgment." -- Henry Clay

"Statistics: the mathematical theory of ignorance." -- Morris Kline

"You can not feed the hungry on statistics." -- Heinrich Heine

"In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to fall back on lies". -- Stephen Leacock

"97.3% of all statistics are made up."

"Are statisticians normal or are they transformable?"

"Smoking is a leading cause of statistics."

"43% of all statistics are worthless."

"3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population."

"Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats."

"A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion."

"80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot."

"Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment."

'If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will."

"Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you."

"Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed?"

"It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy. Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest."

"Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong. Variance is what any two statisticians are at." - C.J.Bradfield

"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable." - Mark Twain

"It is the mark of a truly intelligent person to be moved by statistics." - George Bernard Shaw

"I can prove anything by statistics except the truth." - George Canning

"Statistics suggest that when customers complain, business owners and managers ought to get excited about it. The complaining customer represents a huge opportunity for more business." - Zig Ziglar

"We are just statistics, born to consume resources." - Horace

"There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up." - Rex Stout

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown

"A statistician drowned while crossing a stream that was, on average, 6 inches deep."

"Most people use statistics the way a drunk uses a lamp post, more for support than enlightenment."

"Figures don't lie, but liars figure." - Samuel Clemens (alias Mark Twain)

"The weather man is never wrong. Suppose he says that there's an 80% chance of rain. If it rains, the 80% chance came up; if it doesn't, the 20% chance came up!" - Saul Barron

"Like dreams, statistics are a form of wish fulfillment." - Jean Baudrillard

"Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures." - Evan Esar

"Torture numbers, and they'll confess to anything." - Gregg Easterbrook

"Do not put your faith in what statistics say until you have carefully considered what they do not say." - William W. Watt

"While the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what any one man will be up to, but you can say with precision what an average number will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says the statistician." - Arthur Conan Doyle

"A statistical analysis, properly conducted, is a delicate dissection of uncertainties, a surgery of suppositions." - M.J. Moroney

Statistics may be defined as "a body of methods for making wise decisions in the face of uncertainty." - W.A. Wallis

"I abhor averages. I like the individual case. A man may have six meals one day and none the next, making an average of three meals per day, but that is not a good way to live." - Louis D. Brandeis

"I could prove God statistically. Take the human body alone - the chances that all the functions of an individual would just happen is a statistical monstrosity." - George Gallup

"To call in the statistician after the experiment is done may be no more than asking him to perform a post-mortem examination: he may be able to say what the experiment died of." - Ronald Fisher

"In God we trust. All others must bring data." - W. Edwards Deming

"Statisticians, like artists, have the bad habit of falling in love with their models." - George Box

"All generalizations are false, including this one." - Mark Twain

"Conducting data analysis is like drinking a fine wine. It is important to swirl and sniff the wine, to unpack the complex bouquet and to appreciate the experience. Gulping the wine doesn’t work." - Daniel B. Wright

"Everybody believes in the exponential law of errors [*i.e.*, the Normal distribution]: the experimenters, because they think it can be proved by mathematics; and the mathematicians, because they believe it has been established by observation." - Whittaker, E. T. and Robinson

"... surely, God loves the .06 nearly as much as the .05. Can there be any doubt that God views the strength of evidence for or against the null as a fairly continuous function of the magnitude of p?" (p.1277) - Rosnow, R. L., & Rosenthal, R.

…the statistician knows…that in nature there never was a normal distribution, there never was a straight line, yet with normal and linear assumptions, known to be false, he can often derive results which match, to a useful approximation, those found in the real world. - George Box

"Those who ignore Statistics are condemned to reinvent it." - Brad Efron

"Causal interpretation of the results of regression analysis of observational data is a risky business. The responsibility rests entirely on the shoulders of the researcher, because the shoulders of the statistical technique cannot carry such strong inferences." - Jan de Leeuw

"We are drowning in information and starving for knowledge". - Rutherford D. Roger

"60% of the time, it works every time." -Brian Fantana